NASCAR Breakfast

My friend, sometimes I wonder how, Doug(las) invited my lady friend and I to go to NASCAR with him. We had to be there early; I guess for the "good seats". Because the closer you are to the track the less hairy redneck backs you have to look at during the race (and that's just the women. We show to his place and I make the mistake(?) of asking him to put my beers in the fridge while we waited.
Yup. I know. Soak it all in. The perfect redneck breakfast if you look close! Deer, ketchup and half a bottle of 6 day old flat Coke Zero. I questioned the "mistake" because if I had not asked, I would not have found this gem.




So my body feels like this: I made the stupid mistake of starting the P90X challenge. Not that the box came with the dvds AND a tall buff mother fucker that MAKES me complete it, but I want to see if it's bullshit or not. If it is, oh well. If not, I'm gonna get my "v" back. I had a "V" in the ARMY, but it turned into a "U".




Last, but not least: I cut my nephew's hair once.





...but only once. He hasn't been back. Not sure why. Pretty sweet if you ask me!

Twelve Tacos

Yeah, that shit felt awesome. That was three months after I broke it. I guess I decided one day, "maybe it SHOULDN'T do that. Anyway, still in physical therapy. For a pinky. I know I know, but keep in mind I play guitar. Without that ability, I'd never get laid. I know, you're saying, "but Derek you're such a hot man and I want you to make babies in me". Trust me, I know. However, when I talk I sound REALLY stupid, so guitar and singing is my "panty dropper". Not so good without the guitar. I tried it once acapella and I all I got was a 70 year old lady that couldn't hear and thought I was her son who died in 'nam and a ticket for disturbing the piece.

Ok. As I posted the vod-cran pic on Friday, you are probably wondering what became of my night of drinking and if not before, you are especially wondering now. Let me begin by explaining that I had been drinking beer all day in the Texas sun while monitoring a "garage sale". Skip ahead to 6:30 when my lady friend came to the house with the vodka and cran. I still hadn't eaten. Kay. Skip ahead again to about 3:30am after many of the drink-businesses and I'm pretty sure it looked something like this: Ok. so my lady friend finds me this way and proceeds to say she is going to go get food and would I like anything. "No. I don't feel good." I reply with the dry throat and pukey-lips. "You sure" the lady friend asks again. Then me, "Well I wouldn't be disappointed with a dozen tacos." WTF? Apparently vodka makes you REALLY into mexican food.
My point here is Tacos in Russia = LOTS OF MONEY.
That's all for now. Make sure you tip off any of the mexicans you know about their dreams coming to fruition in Moscow.

Texas Garage Sales Suck?

Let me start by saying..... and what? Who sells beds? I sell beds, bitch. Ok, even though I didn't "sell" the bed, several mexicans said they would go to the ATM to get the $$$ for it. I'm thinkin' I need to petition the city to allow businesses to have ATMs closer to the house because none of them were able to make it back. Too many garage sales now-a-days fail because of this. If mexicans didn't have to travel across the state to find a working ATM, our economy might be ok! Just ask Arizona. I'm pretty sure that is what they are getting at. This bed does smell like piss, btw. WTF ever. Like YOU didn't piss the bed when you were little. Shit. I STILL do. Only I piss the bed like a man... standing up!
Ok, but even though I sat with my nephew out in the sun all day, my lady-friend came to me and made me this prize. Yup. tonight I drinks the vodka-cran, ya'll. W/e. You can call me gay. I won't mind. BECAUSE I'LL BE HAMMERED DRUNK ON VOD-CRANS! (insert 'woop' sound here). Do the kids still actually do the "whoop" thing? I know I do. Usually after a good duece... Whoop there it is.
This is a pic of a lady WAY taken aback by Jimmy Buffett. I gues she is a "Parrot head". This is a term for redneck pothead white ladies that dream of boning some big 6'+ Jamaican guy named Dexter St Claire, in all actuallity. Anyway, she smoked me up and let me get drunk on top of their RV until I fell off. No really. I fell off the top of the RV and landed on my back. If I hadn't been so limber (aka: drunk) I would have broke something like my baby maker. No worries, only the tardo swimmers were injured. Those are the ones I put in the shower drain anyway.

I'll give you more good stuf tomorrow. This is Al Roker saying good night and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I eat.

...In the beginning there was one

So I am starting this blog first and foremost, as a way to test shit out before making my lady-friend a blog of her very own. "Go Girl" (Sassy black lady voice).
However, I think I will stay up on it as a way to let the little peeps know what it's like to be me. Hardy-friggin'-har. Basically, I don't give a shit enough to lay my life out for you all at once so you "know me". I'll upload stuff I create; music, pics, literary genius, jokes, babies, burritos, baby burritos, etc. What I will do is keep posting random things from my life here and you can get a peak into me from that. Nothing gross, though. No booty-hole pics or anything. You don't get to actually peak INTO me. Unless I have surgery someday. Then I may post pics of that. Let's hope I don't need surgery in my booty hole, but maybe open-heart coolness?
I think, in time (almost immediately), you will find I am awesome and you will be here every day lookin' to see what is up with Derek Rock. If you wanna follow me on twitter, feel free tweet tweet bitch
Rock and Roll Pooty Hole,