So! Dexter's procedure went well. His sack now looks like a deflated water balloon so that's awesome. My brother sent pics while I was getting my teeth worked on. I almost swallowed a drill laughing so fucking hard.









So.... I've been busy busy. Since we last met:

The Skunk Ape movie is still in post production. The editing is mostly done and it will be getting the audio done soon. Hopefully I can update you all with a release date on THAT deal. Just FYi, this is the film I play Jason Collier. He is a smart-ass, drinking, womanizing comedian of the group. I got lots of screen time with this lead role so make sure you check it out.

Since that I have done some background work such as playing a teacher and a detective in Bad Kids Go To Hell. Good times. Make sure to go to my IMDB and talk about me on the Derek Rock forum. Lots of attention there only helps my career so get on it. Don't let me down. grrrr.


clicky clicky!






Anyone else tired of this Planking bullshit? It was kinda funny at first, like the "I'll type lol in the comments but I'm really not loling". Well technically I think it would be lingol right? Nobody is laugh out louding.... Speaking of wood,
I have noticed I have been waking up with cronic morning wood. Not like the typical "I gotta pee" kinda wood either. The kind that I have not experienced since I was a tween. Yeah I said tween. Make a case about it fucker!




Short blog this time, so in closing if we are friends on FB please do not tempt me to do this to you (thanks Holly):

So I was included on an email from someone where they decided it would be awesome for a bunch of people to stay in contact and in the email included a list of names with all of their email addresses.... oops! :) I, of course, responded with the following,

"Hello! My name is Ambassador Unfafa from the country of Nigeria. I recently had a crap-ton of money held from me at a bank. If you can please send me all your money and maybe a Kit-Kat bar, I can have the money released and will give it all to you. The only thing I want is the Kit-Kat bar. Just send me all your personal information and a picture (nude if you like) holding the Kit-Kat bar. Thank you! Ambassador Derek Unfafa"





Production pictures from the on-set photographer for Skunk Ape Hunters in Texas have began to surface. Many are good, but I have especially fallen for a candid snap-shot of me walking up to location with one of my leathers on, sporting a Monster and a shotgun. By Monster I mean the drink, ladies. Don't get too excited. Nothing funny here really, just like the pic.





So my black and tan mini-weiner dog, Dexter (named after the Showtime serial killer) has began to become rowdy. The kind of rowdy that only a good ol' fashioned nut-cuttin' surgery can fix. He constantly mounts pillows and bites the corners while humping them. Not that I'm hatin'; I've been asking for a full-body pillow for years from Santa. No, I just don't enjoy waking up from naps on the couch and finding my forehead looking like a Krispy-Kreme. So I scheduled a nut-cuttin' with my brother. Let it be known that my brother is a certified Veterinarian. I didn't just ask my hillbilly brother for his good widdlin' knife. That being said, I think karma is a bitch. You see, now that I'm taking him to be cut on I have a dentist appointment where I will be getting 2 root canals. FML!




OK! That's all for now. More at eleven.

SOO! My life as a movie star...

Wudup party people? and those of you who don't really party so much but enjoy reading about parties whilst you feed your 2.3 kids. Seriously? 2.3? WTF. Lemme have at least a .2 of that kid. you have another 2.1 and I know a great recipe that calls for .2 children exactly, plus some thyme, paprika, sauteed onions and cummin (which I always laugh at because it sounds like 'ejaculating' and if you don't, smoke a bowl and call me).









So my first experience wraps up today as an actor. Break down? fuck you, watch the movie, but in short - Myself in my boxers and boots doin' the d-slang and peeing in a bigfoot footprint; black guy named Super Jamal getting pulled over by Officer Hicks in a country-ass location for "jogging around when there have been a lot a othefts lately" (aka: ur black and we're in a country-ass Texas location); me in make-up (normally Friday night); and mucho mas. I think my favorite part of this experience just might be me finding the courage to tell some 15 year ol girls "if there's no grass on the field, I'll play Hockey"/ what? yes.








In other news, I have discovered that a lot of men actually utilize but do not recognize that the "pinch and roll" method is best for nut scratching. Yeah. I know, right? Instead of actually scratching the balls, it's better to pintch a little bit and roll it for relief. Whoknew right? I DID!








AND: Should I grow this mustache?

So, yeah. It's been a while since I blogged and I am sure I will get better at keeping it updated more frequently, but my life is just so absolutely awesome that I just don't have the time while jet-setting around the world to give equal "me" time to my adoring fanatics..... I'll assume you are now getting back up off the floor or done changing your panties now that you're done laughing. Panties. That's such a weird word to me. Panties. I mean I wouldn't ever try to get with a woman that told me she had on sexy underwear (that just sounds scary and like she would say it with a man's voice) but the word just is weird to me. Never fear though friends. I have a solution! Don't wear down there! Commando. That way I don't have to hear "panties" and there is a little time saved removing them that can be used on mushy stuff.






Anyway, I am auditioning for a low budget movie tomorrow. No, not adult movie. It's a horror/ comedy and I was actually requested by the casting director(?) to audition for one of the lead roles. The character is the womanizer of the group and kind of a smart-ass character. I should do well, but don't wish me luck. I think that's bad or something. I will have an IMDB page if I get this and will most likely start to pursue more acting opportunities afterward. So that's cool...

AND Finally: I would like everyone to stop the hate and vilolence, etc. Though we all have our different opinions and beliefs, I think we all can be tolerant of others' beliefs and opinions. Though we may not agree, let them make their own decisions. Our time in this life we have is way too short to waste it worrying about what others do especially when it doesn't affect our lives. That is why I am creating this movement. I made a little poster for you all to post on your FB walls, etc.... Won't you join me?

NASCAR Breakfast

My friend, sometimes I wonder how, Doug(las) invited my lady friend and I to go to NASCAR with him. We had to be there early; I guess for the "good seats". Because the closer you are to the track the less hairy redneck backs you have to look at during the race (and that's just the women. We show to his place and I make the mistake(?) of asking him to put my beers in the fridge while we waited.
Yup. I know. Soak it all in. The perfect redneck breakfast if you look close! Deer, ketchup and half a bottle of 6 day old flat Coke Zero. I questioned the "mistake" because if I had not asked, I would not have found this gem.




So my body feels like this: I made the stupid mistake of starting the P90X challenge. Not that the box came with the dvds AND a tall buff mother fucker that MAKES me complete it, but I want to see if it's bullshit or not. If it is, oh well. If not, I'm gonna get my "v" back. I had a "V" in the ARMY, but it turned into a "U".




Last, but not least: I cut my nephew's hair once.





...but only once. He hasn't been back. Not sure why. Pretty sweet if you ask me!

Twelve Tacos

Yeah, that shit felt awesome. That was three months after I broke it. I guess I decided one day, "maybe it SHOULDN'T do that. Anyway, still in physical therapy. For a pinky. I know I know, but keep in mind I play guitar. Without that ability, I'd never get laid. I know, you're saying, "but Derek you're such a hot man and I want you to make babies in me". Trust me, I know. However, when I talk I sound REALLY stupid, so guitar and singing is my "panty dropper". Not so good without the guitar. I tried it once acapella and I all I got was a 70 year old lady that couldn't hear and thought I was her son who died in 'nam and a ticket for disturbing the piece.

Ok. As I posted the vod-cran pic on Friday, you are probably wondering what became of my night of drinking and if not before, you are especially wondering now. Let me begin by explaining that I had been drinking beer all day in the Texas sun while monitoring a "garage sale". Skip ahead to 6:30 when my lady friend came to the house with the vodka and cran. I still hadn't eaten. Kay. Skip ahead again to about 3:30am after many of the drink-businesses and I'm pretty sure it looked something like this: Ok. so my lady friend finds me this way and proceeds to say she is going to go get food and would I like anything. "No. I don't feel good." I reply with the dry throat and pukey-lips. "You sure" the lady friend asks again. Then me, "Well I wouldn't be disappointed with a dozen tacos." WTF? Apparently vodka makes you REALLY into mexican food.
My point here is Tacos in Russia = LOTS OF MONEY.
That's all for now. Make sure you tip off any of the mexicans you know about their dreams coming to fruition in Moscow.

Texas Garage Sales Suck?

Let me start by saying..... and what? Who sells beds? I sell beds, bitch. Ok, even though I didn't "sell" the bed, several mexicans said they would go to the ATM to get the $$$ for it. I'm thinkin' I need to petition the city to allow businesses to have ATMs closer to the house because none of them were able to make it back. Too many garage sales now-a-days fail because of this. If mexicans didn't have to travel across the state to find a working ATM, our economy might be ok! Just ask Arizona. I'm pretty sure that is what they are getting at. This bed does smell like piss, btw. WTF ever. Like YOU didn't piss the bed when you were little. Shit. I STILL do. Only I piss the bed like a man... standing up!
Ok, but even though I sat with my nephew out in the sun all day, my lady-friend came to me and made me this prize. Yup. tonight I drinks the vodka-cran, ya'll. W/e. You can call me gay. I won't mind. BECAUSE I'LL BE HAMMERED DRUNK ON VOD-CRANS! (insert 'woop' sound here). Do the kids still actually do the "whoop" thing? I know I do. Usually after a good duece... Whoop there it is.
This is a pic of a lady WAY taken aback by Jimmy Buffett. I gues she is a "Parrot head". This is a term for redneck pothead white ladies that dream of boning some big 6'+ Jamaican guy named Dexter St Claire, in all actuallity. Anyway, she smoked me up and let me get drunk on top of their RV until I fell off. No really. I fell off the top of the RV and landed on my back. If I hadn't been so limber (aka: drunk) I would have broke something like my baby maker. No worries, only the tardo swimmers were injured. Those are the ones I put in the shower drain anyway.

I'll give you more good stuf tomorrow. This is Al Roker saying good night and I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I eat.